Call me Depressed

Okay so I have LOST IT!!! The Dr called my cell phone yesterday at 4:15pm and left a message saying that Tatum needed to go for a Ultra Sound this am at 8:30. I need to call and preregister her at the office before 5pm. I did not get that message until 7:45 this am ... as I was pulling into day care. Now I am a mess because of day care, 2 houses, a baby on the way and now my child my baby who I sent off to day care had to go into the dr for a US. I LOST IT! I started balling. I called Andy he was like "honey breath, it will be okay." I took her to Day Care to "keep the schedule" and called the Dr on my way to work. NOTE: it took me a good 30 minutes to calm down after dropping her off. I HAVE NO IDEA why I am so upset that she is there - NONE!!! I know this is good for her, I know it first hand, I saw it in more than 80% of the kids I taught ... she needs it! I know - so my head knows that why doesn't my heart? So I FINALLY called my Dr and told them I am a mess ... I could barely talk, so now they have prescribed me Lexapro. I have SO many questions about it, I asked for an appointment. I want to know if it is something I can take ONLY when I need it - you know like Zanix - or if I HAVE to take it daily. I don't need it daily, or maybe I do ... I dunno Help! Anyone have any advise or suggestions?

Tatum's 1st day of school

Well here we are - I dropped her off, Thank God that Andy was able to go with me today or I would not have done as well and I did. Even though I am not ashamed to cry with him I do try to be a little tougher with him around. We went in and walked her around showed her all the toys and such, I set up her crib and then went over her (now) schedule with her teacher - Trivia is her name and I am not sure if I spelled that right or not. Anyway I was good until it was time to leave - I made it out of her room, almost to the front door and then the tears started. They didn't stop until I got to work, and they are just on time out right now. I can feel them welling up and I have to talk myself out of crying all over again.




Well here are her pictures - notice only one of her and I ... didn't want proof that I cried like a baby.

Locked and loaded, ready for the drive.

Yeah our first day of school.

Tatum with her teacher I promise she was smiling before the picture took.

Big Day - send me strength

Big Day - send me strength
Well it is Sunday ... 8:31pm and the hubbs and I are watching UFC fights that we have recorded and haven't been able to watch yet. I had a good day home with Tatum, my MIL said she would keep Tatum today so I could help work on the house, but I turned her down to stay home with her before her BIG DAY!!!
Yep tomorrow she starts school. OMG! I tried to tell her several times and I do not think she got it! haha I only cried once today and I really tried hard to tell myself this too will be OKAY! She needs it, I know she does. When I did my Student Teaching I told myself EVERYDAY that my children would go to Day Care that it was OBVIOUS those children that had and had not. Not that ALL of the ones that did not go were bad, but the majority was not in their favor. I am starting to see that BRATTY girl in Tatum. I hope that she does better than I do. Anyway so if any of you out there can send me strength tomorrow I would appreciate it, we will be dropping her off around 8am. I am making Andy go with me!

On baby news - we have narrowed the baby bedding down to 2 - what do you think ...

Zoom Zoom
Safari

This post not intended for the "queezie"

Andy came home from working on the house on Sunday and said that he can't wait for the house to be finished ... I said I know, me either. His response was I am sick of being HURT. I just started laughing ... then he pulled out the camera and said Honey for real look at this ...

First his finger - he hammered it -

Note the black dot on the tip of the thumb -

The dot on the thumb - was hit here on the floor

he hit is SO hard that it did not cut it open, it just PUSHED the blood out of it!

Next we have the top on his thumb - he almost cut it off with a

electric screw gun - here it is bandaged up!

Here we have a head injury

He was busting out tile and one flew up and cut his head!

More tile flying up on his leg ...

My response was well if you put this .... (see below) down you may not be so hurt!

HAHAHAHA

But in the end ... this is what we have ...

Once this was 2 bathrooms, one very small one in the Master

and the other was HUGE and for the guest/babies room.

Now as you can see it is ALL torn out and ready to clean up then add all the

good stuff back in - here is a shot from the Master bath door all the way to

the other end wall ...

This was what it looked like before -

Master end - tiny side

Huge guest/baby end BATH

HUGE walk in shower and vanity on that end also

Our HORRIBLE night and day

So I keep telling everyone how bad Tatum is at teething ... she has been waking up several times a night and SCREAMING like a gorilla was/is tearing her arms and legs off. She went for her 9 month check up last Tuesday - everything was A-okay then on Thursday Her Grandmama (Andy's mom) calls and asks me if she has been acting sick?! I say well she is teething - she says she is very hot - I told her I was on the way and I would be there within a few minutes~ I got there - took her temp it was 104.2 I started to FREAK out - called the Dr they told me to get her in a warm bath, give her Motrin and watch her temp. So I did ... within 30 minutes her fever was down to 102.2 and all was getting better - since then she has been on and off fever and very crabby. I took her to the Dr on Thursday just to make sure it wasn't something else - they said they thought it was a viral infection and time and Tylenol and Motrin would heal it. Since then her fever has not been that high, but she has continued to have them ... then last night ...

At 2 am I hear what sounds like a hurt puppy ... whining and crying ... I thought she was just "talking" her self back to sleep ... but it was a weird noise so I thought I better go check on her. (On Monday night Andy sleeps upstairs - he works on Tuesday am at 3 am so he sleeps up there and showers up there to keep from waking me up more than she does) I go to her room ... she is lethargic ... can't hold her head up, can't sit up and is BURNING up! I yell up to Andy "I need help down here - HURRY" He comes flying down the stairs (naked may I add) ... I give him the phone - here leave a message for the Dr to call us back - I am taking her temp now - 104.9 I take her cloths off put her in the tub - the Dr calls says to give her Motrin asap and watch her fever, said she would call back in 30 minutes. 30 min later I was feeding her a bottle, getting her ready to go back to bed - her fever had already dropped to 101.2 and she was very sleepy! The Dr told us to bring her in the office today.

Tatum wakes up at 7:15 and I get her ready, give her her am bottle, try to feed her (she has not been eating) and we play a little - then we leave to go to the Dr. we get there and we have a NEW Dr. At first I was like OMG this is freakin' great - but I LOVED HER!!! She was wonderful! Anyway ... tells me that she either has a viral infection or a UTI - we need to get a urine sample. I say how do we do that ... she says by catherator (sp?), I start to cry. I ask her if she is aware that I am preggo. She says if you can't be in the room that is fine. I say no I don't think I can. Now the 2 girls (nurses) in the office are her honorary aunts- we know them very well. they come in upset that they have to do this to her and I cry harder. So I walk out and stand in the office - she starts to SCREAM, I start sobbing. The Dr takes me to another room and tries to console me. I hear the door open, I run to her ... mommy's here mommy's here ... turns out my little Tatum Bell has a UTI. And it is off the chart bad! OMG how horrible am I - she has probably had it for a week and I thought it was her freakin' teeth.

So I have to take the urine sample to the lab at the hospital and go get her script filled - my mom meets me at the Dr picks Tatum up. I go to CVS drive thru drop off the script - go to the hospital drop of the sample then back to CVS. To my mom's to give her the meds. I get to work around 11. Geese day blown.

But it is good thing- at least now we know what it is and she will get better soon. Wow she may not be such a bad teether. All is good - until 2. At 2 my mom calls. Tatum has had projectile diarrhea and she thinks her temp is WORSE. I leave work rush to her house, get the baby. Run her to the Dr. OMG she is allergic to the meds - nope not allergic - after all just a VERY STRONG med that made her belly upset - good luck for the next 10 days. Did I mention she CAN NOT go in the SUN?!

So that was my day - I hope my night is better - how was yours?

i am alive

haha got a little message from Chris asking if I was alive and okay! - Sorry about that blogger friends I have had a TEETHING child and I do not think we are going to be a good teether! That plus preggo plus Andy working on the OTHER house everyday after work this week really wore me out! We had a great Easter - I took Tatum to my mom's early, we went to the house and worked until 1:30ish and then came here showered and went back to my mom's for Easter Dinner. Of course the Easter Bunny visited us there. Tatum got a cute little basket and lots of neat goodies. We read her some stories out of her baby bible and came home! It was very nice ... didn't get ANY pictures with my camera - what a big dork I forgot it! However my mom did get some, but she doesn't know how to upload or share them yet! I have to go teach her this week!

Now are you ready for the BIG NEWS - ... are you ready ... are you sitting down?! I enrolled Tatum in Day Care this past week too! (cry cry sob sob) She starts on the 7th and I know I am going to do worse than her by far! I wanted her to start when she was a year old anyway, but I thought with the new baby on the way, the change in houses soon and all that we have going on that it may be better to start her early and try to get her "used" to it before the move and the baby. He (still no name, but right now Hayden is on the top of the list) will be here in August and that gives her most of April, May, June and about 2 weeks of August to get "used" to school. I did not want her to think she was getting sent away because of a new loud crying thing ... haha
I hope she loves it. I was hoping to find one closer to our new house, but I did not like any of the ones near us ... so the one I did pick is close to our house now and will not be too far out of the way once we move ... anything for her! My parents (dad really) drove me to Charleston, SC 2.5 (there and back) hour drive EVERY Monday and Wednesday after school during High School to play soccer. So a little extra 20 min each way drive will NOT hurt me that is for sure! The one I had my hopes up so big over was the WORSE one ... I left the place crying and weeping. (uncontrollably) that must be Baby Boy Kemp. Haha

Anyway I am alive I am sorry I missed a week of blogging hopefully our teeth ... YES multiple will HURRY up and baby Tatum will go back to sleeping again! Love to you all!

Girl loves to eat

Make sure you have your sound on ... she is so cute! When she eats ... she makes this noise ... um yum um yum. It tickles me! Hope you like it too!

Baby Legs

Many of you asked about the "leggins" Tatum was wearing in her picture ... well I first saw them on A Mommy Story and I LOVED them. So I asked were to get them and here ya go ... BabyLegs! They have them for babies and toddlers. They are great for sunny weather, and for crawling. They are wonderful for changing diapers and they have HUNDREDS to choose from! I love them!

A few older pictures of her in some baby legs

Baby #2 is a ...

Today was our visit to Prenatal Peek we were there for a while approx 20 minutes and the tech kept saying move for me move for me, then all of a sudden she said okay "Buddy" so me your stuff. This was the conversation:

Me: Buddy?

Tech: well we are not allowed to say if we aren't 100% sure but I am 99.9% sure it is a _____I just can't get that money shot.

Me: So you think it is a ____.

Tech: Yeah I do. Do you have to go potty?!

Me: I could go -

Tech: Well go and drink your juice on the way and then come back -

I walked down the hall drinking my juice and went potty I got back to the room and sat back down - Andy was smiling saying I hope she gets the money shot -

Tech: You ready

Me: yep

Tech: Freeze - money shot -

IT'S A BOY! IT'S A BOY! IT'S A BOY! IT'S A BOY!

I tried to scan the photos but my darn scanner is broke - I will send the pictures to work with Andy tomorrow and he can scan them for me!!!!

Now let me brag about Tatum -

Happy 9 months my little baby girl! She is amazing - she is crawling now, and it is a REAL crawl not a jump crawl. She is going to be walking soon - she walks all over the house using the couches and tables to get where she wants to go! She still has NO teeth, but is starting to drool some, but I don't know if it is teeth or not. Her gums are not showing signs of teeth.

Here are some pictures of Tatum!

She loves to stand at the table

Hi everyone look at me!

This is the sneaky Tatum!

Mom, no more pictures PLEASE!

He was born in 74

Christopher J. Ball
My Best Friend in the WORLD ... why did he have to go?!
I ask myself that everyday ... everyday!

I was home for Spring Break; I was in college. I brought so many friends home with me and SO many of my SnowBEs were staying down the road from us. We weren't actually SnowBEs then, but I to this day feel that is the bond that tied me to them. His birthday was on a Friday ... he was celebrating it up on his new bike. The Harley he always wanted. He worked for my Dad, even though they were years apart they had a bond I don't think I have ever witnessed in anyone else. My Dad and his business partner Roland fixed his bike for him for his B-day. He rode with his friends all weekend ... me and my friends partied all weekend. That Friday for his B-day we bought the Pay-per view boxing match at his house. Most of my friends stopped by and we all hung out until the late late hours of the night. He told me and my Dad SEVERAL times that "THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY I HAVE EVER HAD!!!" I remember on Saturday him and his friends drove by my parents to say hey and that they were having the time of their lives! He just wanted to tell my dad thanks for all he did for him. As he drove off I have no idea it would be our last talk. I am so so glad that I hugged him and told him we all loved him! I am so glad he knew we loved him.

It was Monday morning I was in bed, with my then boyfriend (at my parents ... wow was I daring) the phone rang, I remember like it was this morning ... it was my Dad; it was 7:23 on my clock "Kim, Kim .... it's Chris, he's gone" That is all he said. I woke the HOUSE up! Everyone of them up. I called Lisa's Grandma's house and said get up, get up, put (my then best friend) Olivia on the phone ... I thought I would die too! I cried the entire way to the office, with my friends telling me I would be okay. NO NO I wouldn't and I still am not.

You see it was foggy that day, he drove his bike to work and some IDIOT pulled right out in front of him ... so close that he T-boned the driver side door of his truck. Because this IDIOT had his business in his wife's name they would not cover the accident; not that any amount of money would have made it better, but they didn't even cover his burial. NEVER MIND the FUCKER never even sent flowers or a sorry to his mother ... sorry for the bad language. We got to the hospital first, my dad had to identify his body. His mom got there and I puked. As soon as I saw her I tossed my cookies ... right there in the floor in front of everyone. Gross I know, but you can't imagine the look on her face.

You know I can't even remember the EXACT year it was because after that I was a DRUNK, I too a lot of drugs, pills ... popped anything I could get my hands on ... that with LOTE OF BEER = BLACK OUTS. It was 99 or 2000. I am almost sure it was 99 but hey who cares?! Not me the only thing I care about is that he is NOT here with us.

My favorite memory of "us"
it was summer, I was home for break ... we were driving around town in my Amigo ... it was pink ... we had the top off, he was driving cause I was TRASHED ... I was singing Ace of Base at the top of my lungs. He was laughing and dancing, telling me he loved me ... loved me like a sister, like the girl he would never have and mostly likely the woman he would one day marry. AWESOME!!! I don't think we would have ever dated, or married ... but the question was always there ... he was very attractive, but he was one of those guys that was too nice for me. Haha So was Andy but the time was just right.

Anyway thanks for listening ... to my friends that supported me that year THANK YOU! I would died without ... literally I would have. I appreciate all of you still here with me and the one that isn't (Olivia) thank you too! You made a difference back then.

To Chris I love you, I always will! I try very hard to keep in touch with your mom. I try to send flowers to her for her Birthday, Valentines Day because that is what YOU would have done. I make SURE to send her a card for all Holidays. I don't call near as much as I should and I am sorry for that, but I try to stay in touch with her as much as possible. Every year the week of your Birthday and Death Day I send her a dozen yellow Roses and a dozen purple Iris ... those were YOUR favorites and that is WHAT we cover your casket and grave site with. I love you, I will NEVER forget you! You are the BEST FRIEND I have EVER or WILL EVER have! I talk to you, do you here me?! I know you like Andy ... So many times when we were dating, things would happen and I knew it was you .... you with us approving and telling me to Go to him!
I wish you could have met Tatum ... she is wonderful! She is my EVERYTHING and I know she would have been yours too ... next to your kids of course. I am glad we are the only ones you left behind, your mom, me, my family and your friends. Not that I am happy you left us, but I am glad you didn't have a wife and kids yet. God needed you more I understand! God took you from us when you were young, but he didn't take your memory; IT will forever be with me! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! I see you in my dreams I know you are here with me! I WILL see you one day soon, I hope it is much later, but I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN!

Tag ... I'm IT

Got tagged from KimmyK, thanks for thinking of me, I love to play games!

Rules: [because there are always rules]

You must post the rules before you give your answers.
You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name.
Each fact must begin with that letter.
If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name.
After you've been tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and answers.
At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name.

My middle name is now my Maiden name - Herrmann geeze thanks mom and dad!
So here I go and how in the hell will I tag that many people?

H- Heart - I have a very big heart until you piss me off!
E- Eeyore was and still is my Favorite Pooh bear friend! "well I kinda liked my tail, it went with me everywhere."
R- Rich - Rich with love and friends rich with money in my dreams!
R- Racey I am a very racey driver unless of course Tatum is with me and then I am a turtle!
M- Mean yep I am mean mean to my workers ... most of the time they deserve it!
A- Animated - I am very animated about everything Andy says I OVER react no matter if happy or sad!
N- Nosey really I am very nosey I love to listen to STRANGERS in a mall
N- Nasty - I have a gas problem - Thank God it is a smart gas problem and it all comes up ... but really I can burp like a man!

Okay so now I have to tag these people ... yikes I don't even think 8 people read me ...

H- do I know a blogger that starts with a H?
E- got no damn e either
R- Robin -
R- Random and Odd
M- MelBel
A- Anthony and his sick mind
N- Naked Steve
N- don't have another N?!

Geeze am I lame or what - Sorry KimmyK I tried my best to play by the damn rules - I told you I wasn't a good girl growing up, guess I still have some of that in me!

Ideas Please!

Okay so we are remodeling this house ... most of you know that! haha

The bathrooms that are upstairs are backwards - the BIG bathroom is in the hallway access for the quest/baby room.It has a HUGE tub and a HUGE walk in shower with 2 shower heads it also has a 2 sink combo! The master bath is tiny it has a tiny shower, the shower in our RV is larger than it is, No tub a toilet with 1 little sink and no cabinet under it. Okay so the bathrooms are only 5' wide - there for the HUGE bathroom has a step up into tub - see below!

Okay so that tub is huge and nice, it is very deep however like I said it has to go - I am so short that I can't get out of it - I need a step ladder and God for bid I or Andy ever get hurt or sore we can't get down in it ... haha so this is where I need ideas -

When we switch the bathrooms around we are thinking of putting a corner jet bathtub unit in the master end - so my help is this ... the DO NOT make a corner tub/shower unit, but they do make a corner jet tub that has a lip to install a bath back splash! So have you ever seen a corner tub/shower in use?! Is that okay?! Is that normal?! Ever seen it?! Help!

Baby Girl's Bling Bling

Took the baby girl to get her ears pierced on Friday - have been trying ever since to get some good pictures of them, however she is just like her Mommy and LOVES the camera. So I had a very hard time getting pictures of her ears instead of her beautiful smile. Haha - I guess that is a good thing for picture day, but not for ear day! haha

Anyway the only ones I got were of her playing with her Daddy and her eating, so sorry they aren't great, but you can see her ears!

Love to you all!

Eating her dinner like a BIG girl!

Hey ya'll!

Eating a fist full of Peas!

New game - get the bottle lid on my head!

Last but not least - Mommies FAVORITE!

I miss everything

Today the boys - my Dad and Andy went to the house to work - I cried! I hate it, I am the worker, I am the nailer and the measurer, I am the handy one! Damn it and here I sat all freaking day watching the baby which by the way is becoming a chore because she is now sitting up on her own and there for she can now STAND up in her crib! She pulls her self up and stands over it looking like King Kong. So it about kills me to put her down for a nap! Haha

Anyway the boys were at the house, doing what I want to do and guess what - the lady that we bought the house from stopped by - yep I missed it. Andy took her picture and walked the house with her for 2 hours. Yep 2 hours! I would post her picture but he didn't ask her if I could, but I will tell you this - she looked like the old lady from Titanic - just like her! It was amazing! Of course when I saw the pictures I cried again.

Well that is it for today!

So sorry

I know I said I would post pictures and tell you all about Daytona and I AM SORRY, but I am exhausted. With my mom not having a car, trying to catch up at work and trying to get the NEW house back on track I am about to DROP!~

So not much to say today ... I am off to bed - but I do have 2 things for you

1st - I took Tatum to get her ears pierced today - pictures later

2nd - Katie at Cup of Joe - this is for you -

for real you guys I was watching Amer*ican Id*ol and OMG rewind rewind - it was a R**ms To Go commercial and it was just for Katie - And YES I did take a picture of my TV I searched high and low for the commercial on tv could not find it!

You like my oranges? They are real, My oranges!

Home, Alive and Glad NO ONE was hurt!

Hey everyone - we are home - many many pictures to come, but now I have to take a bath and go to bed! We are home it took about 3 hours longer than it should have ... because we tow my Mom's (brand new) Ford Explorer behind our RV ... well this time (the first time we have towed THIS car, but have towed many others) the hitch broke off and the car went flying down the street. YES you read that correctly ... Andy was driving my dad was napping, I had just put Tatum back in her Car Seat from her lunch feeding and I heard Andy say "Ron we lost the car" I looked up from the sofa and out the driver side and yep there was the royal blue explorer going down the road all by its self - it was about to pass us. For SOME unknown reason Andy took 17 South (a 2 lane/4 lane road) instead of the usual 95 South. Thank GOD! If we would have lost the car on 95 it would have been a car pile up with many many injured people. The car did go through a construction site and I am not sure how but NO ONE was injured. The Forman said he had JUST 30 minutes prior sent his workers home because of the rain. I will post pictures from the race, and the car wreck tomorrow - good night glad to be home!

Gentlemen start your engines

Well - Last night marked the first race of a LONG race season. I say LONG because again for the second time I am preggers - which by the way I am getting a little more excited about. Notice I said little, the house is moving along and I am really getting excited about that! Here is a list of all we have done:
New Roof
New Paint
Removal Green house out side
Removal of laddis over fish pond
Removal of dry wall on wall to be removed between 2 rooms
Removal of all TILE in entry way from garage, hall, 1/2 bath and kitchen
Removal of 1/2 wall beside spot for refrigerator
Removal of all sliding glass doors
Removal of "vent" and 1/2 wall over glass stove top - vent to no where - grease all in wall!
Removal of small pantry with piece of crap central vacuum
Removal of stair climber
Removal of ski-light in (one) of the babies room
All ceilings scraped in down stairs - starting second story now
Removal of built in "desk" in attic/playhouse
Re-wire of hot water heater
Clean and power wash all outside - including fish pond
NEW alarm and fire system installed with alarm clicker for key rings
What else?! Oh yeah have started removal of all HVAC under house - the entire system - all 5
units are being replaced only duck work from under house is being replaced -
I think that is it so far - it is amazing how much we have gotten done - but the de-construct is the EASY part the Re-construct is the Hard Time Consuming $$$ part !!!
Other than that Tatum is feeling better - she still has a deep cough but the snot coming out of her nose is better! We leave Tuesday for Daytona - the 50th year of the 500! I would probably be a little more excited if I could chug back a few beers and get a little crazy after Tatum went to bed - but Andy just keeps reminding me - "hang on Honey - it will be 2 years and our life will be somewhat normal" "after bedtime that is" haha I have to say I agree - it is just getting to that point and to bed time - which in our house (knock on wood) is a piece of cake - that is one thing Tatum can do - she can put her self to sleep with ease!

Well miss me while I am away from the computer - I will return next Tuesday!

EDD August 21st

Estimated Due Date ~ August 21st 2008~ I should have been able to tell you all that last visit to the Dr - but I never even thought to ask her, and today when she told me I had to ask 2 time again to remember - she finally wrote it down for me. Baby is doing fine - looking good - they could not find he/she heart beat so they had to do a ultrasound and thankfully it wasn't the "ouch" kind if you get my drift! Haha I saw the baby kicking and moving all over it was like a little Mexican jumping bean I had to giggle because Tatum NEVER did that at one of the Dr appointments - anywho baby was fine, heart beat was great and all is good here in SC! I told her how I was feeling and again just as all of you have she told me it was NORMAL, I AM NORMAL ... I have never been considered normal so that is good! So as I sat there talking to the Midwife/Dr I told her I had been down in the dumps and I was worried that it would effect the baby and that with Tatum I was happy happy happy - she told me to take it easy on myself if I could try to find the good that would be better then drugs (which by the way I agree 100%) so again I left with NO drugs and I am happy about that - she is right I need to dig I need to find it and make it work - don't be such a worry wart it will be FINE. I have a wonderful Hubby, wonderful parents that help out a lot, wonderful friends (near, far, and in the internet) and we have money - not that we are rich but we aren't killing our selves to get by. So with that said today NOW is a new day! Wish me luck!

Thank You Thank You

To all of you Thank You so much for your kind words and the time you all took to lift me up- I love my Blog Family! I am lucky to have all of you in my life! I go to the Dr today I will share all of my feelings with her and we will see what her suggestions are. I do feel better know that I am not the only one who questions my ability as a mom and the ability to be a mom to 2. Thank You again.

Party of Five - how do I find your blog?!

I am here and I am ALIVE

Hey everybody - I am sorry I have been so absent! I am going to play the "Oh Wow" is me card for a minute so bare with me -
As you all know we are expecting baby 2 in August - I have not been happy since we found out and I KNOW really I KNOW well my heart does that this is a blessing I should be jumping for joy! I should be so excited and I should be so maternal and loving - however as I said my heart knows that but my head isn't allowing it to happen. You see I am scared to DEATH! I am in a depression and I really have been doing a GREAT JOB of hiding that from everyone but MelBel and Andy. I feel so bad for Andy - I take a bath nightly that is "MY CRY TIME" he comes in every evening with a tall glass of ice water and a kiss that "things will be okay honey. I love you, we can do this, if you need me yell I will be listening." With that he leaves me to my sobs, heaves, tears and doubts. You see I don't even know if I am doing a good job with Tatum. I think I am - she is growing she healthy - well this week she has her first cold - but I think every child gets them. See there I go - I second guess EVERYHTING I do for her - am I feeding her right? Are her naps right? Am I allowing her to do things on her own? Am I spoiling her too much? What if this is wrong or that is wrong?! How will she learn that failing is OKAY? That she does not have to be perfect for us to love her with all of our heart. So with that then I start to think - OMG we have another on the way - Tatum will just be walking/running and into everything - will she understand "easy" and "love" the baby - will she understand that we still LOVE her?! So here is the OH WO is me - I am scared as all get out - what the hell am I doing?! What the heck was I thinking - how did I miss the info that I was a baby making machine. You know it took us 11 months to get preggers with Tatum and I NEVER IN A MILLION Years thought that THIS would happen. I really am having a very hard time with all of this. A new house, a house to sell a baby, and another on the way. For real I want to crawl under a rock and HIDE, HIDE from me, from my family, Andy everyone ... yes even Tatum. I want to run away as fast as I can - or maybe I can travel forward in time and they can already be in school, potty trained and old enough to understand that we love them both. I joined Caf* Mom*s and joined the "stair step kids" group but really all it did was make it worse - I made it to the 12 week mark and I still doubt it every morning that it is really happening. As will Tatum I DO NOT feel preggers, I am not sick, my boobs are not sore I am not having cravings and really I am just here - floating along. The only difference was that with Tatum I was so very excited I could hardly stand it. I looked at the baby site everyday to see what the baby was doing how it was growing and trying to find out what would be next - now here I sit mad at my self that I am not happy, mad at myself that I am not overflowing with joy - woman around the world want babies and some can't have them. This is a blessing from God - what the heck is wrong with me?! We have been blessed with another baby - get excited and get over it - Andy keeps telling me I need to get happy - Tatum is the PERFECT baby - we are lucky she is always happy - she is even sick and she is still happy (during the day that is) and most of that we believe is because during her 9 months I was HAPPY, I was calm, I was a JOY! Now here I am a big FAT lump on the log and what are we going to have ... a bump on the log?! I need to step it up and get happy - going to the Dr tomorrow we will talk about all my options to get happy - until then if you can prayers are needed!
Thanks for listening to me moan and cry ~ it felt good to say it!