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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I am here and I am ALIVE

Hey everybody - I am sorry I have been so absent! I am going to play the "Oh Wow" is me card for a minute so bare with me -
As you all know we are expecting baby 2 in August - I have not been happy since we found out and I KNOW really I KNOW well my heart does that this is a blessing I should be jumping for joy! I should be so excited and I should be so maternal and loving - however as I said my heart knows that but my head isn't allowing it to happen. You see I am scared to DEATH! I am in a depression and I really have been doing a GREAT JOB of hiding that from everyone but MelBel and Andy. I feel so bad for Andy - I take a bath nightly that is "MY CRY TIME" he comes in every evening with a tall glass of ice water and a kiss that "things will be okay honey. I love you, we can do this, if you need me yell I will be listening." With that he leaves me to my sobs, heaves, tears and doubts. You see I don't even know if I am doing a good job with Tatum. I think I am - she is growing she healthy - well this week she has her first cold - but I think every child gets them. See there I go - I second guess EVERYHTING I do for her - am I feeding her right? Are her naps right? Am I allowing her to do things on her own? Am I spoiling her too much? What if this is wrong or that is wrong?! How will she learn that failing is OKAY? That she does not have to be perfect for us to love her with all of our heart. So with that then I start to think - OMG we have another on the way - Tatum will just be walking/running and into everything - will she understand "easy" and "love" the baby - will she understand that we still LOVE her?! So here is the OH WO is me - I am scared as all get out - what the hell am I doing?! What the heck was I thinking - how did I miss the info that I was a baby making machine. You know it took us 11 months to get preggers with Tatum and I NEVER IN A MILLION Years thought that THIS would happen. I really am having a very hard time with all of this. A new house, a house to sell a baby, and another on the way. For real I want to crawl under a rock and HIDE, HIDE from me, from my family, Andy everyone ... yes even Tatum. I want to run away as fast as I can - or maybe I can travel forward in time and they can already be in school, potty trained and old enough to understand that we love them both. I joined Caf* Mom*s and joined the "stair step kids" group but really all it did was make it worse - I made it to the 12 week mark and I still doubt it every morning that it is really happening. As will Tatum I DO NOT feel preggers, I am not sick, my boobs are not sore I am not having cravings and really I am just here - floating along. The only difference was that with Tatum I was so very excited I could hardly stand it. I looked at the baby site everyday to see what the baby was doing how it was growing and trying to find out what would be next - now here I sit mad at my self that I am not happy, mad at myself that I am not overflowing with joy - woman around the world want babies and some can't have them. This is a blessing from God - what the heck is wrong with me?! We have been blessed with another baby - get excited and get over it - Andy keeps telling me I need to get happy - Tatum is the PERFECT baby - we are lucky she is always happy - she is even sick and she is still happy (during the day that is) and most of that we believe is because during her 9 months I was HAPPY, I was calm, I was a JOY! Now here I am a big FAT lump on the log and what are we going to have ... a bump on the log?! I need to step it up and get happy - going to the Dr tomorrow we will talk about all my options to get happy - until then if you can prayers are needed!
Thanks for listening to me moan and cry ~ it felt good to say it!


Moi said...

I promise you are not alone in what you are feeling. The difference with me, of course, was that I was sick 24 x 7 for the entire pregnancy.

Best of luck, sweetie ... I'm thinking about you. Keep us updated.

Heather said...

I am so sorry you feel like this, but moi is right - you aren't alone. I even felt that way occasionally with Elena and she was the first desperately wanted one. It's okay! We still love you.

I sent you a article via e-mail. It's similar to one I saw in the magazine a month or two ago. Maybe it'll help. Maybe not.

Remember - faith makes all things possible, not easy.

Steph said...

Oh sweety ! First of all (((HUGS))) It is not you- it your your body that is so full of hormones- our bodys are not nice to us women AT ALL !! DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS ! I still question if I am doing a good job with my kiddos & they are 17, 14 & 10 ! We moms never give ourselves enough credit- we are our worst critics. Talk & Share EVERYTHING with your dr. But mostly- enjoy your loving husband & that really cute baby girl of yours ! It will all fall into place...just give it time.
Also love the new house ! On the pool I suggest- esp with little ones to use Pristine Blue - they are non chlorine checmicals. We used them in our in ground pool at our last house. No red eyes or burning etc.
AND MOST OF all- thanks for the sweet comment you left me on my page- TOTALLY appreciate it !

Andrea said...

I'd say all of the second guessing you are doing about parenting is very normal. You feelings about another pregnancy are too! Mine will be spaced 2.5 years apart and I still wonder how I'm going to do it!

You are right to talk to your doc though and hopefully he can prescribe you something to make it all easier to deal with. In the mean time I'll be thinking about you/praying for you!

tommie said...

Everything everyone has said is very sound. Right now your are in a fog. You will be able to handle this. Things start to fall into place almost immediately. I was still nursing Will up until I was almost 28 weeks. I kept thinking I would let him wean when he wanted to....But then I would wonder what if he hadn't stopped by the time #2 was born.

If it makes you feel any better, I've got some bloggy bling for you!

angela said...

Hi!! I am Angela from Party of Five. I was just checking blogs and I came across yours. First let me say Congrats and then second I truly know how you feel. My two smallest children are 14 months apart. I was completely shocked!! I cried and denied it for weeks. My son was only 6 months old when I got pregnant. I had just quit my job to be a stay at home mom, my husband was traveling alot, and I was pregnant again. My son was a difficult baby..he had colic and other stomach issues that made him every cranky and irratable. At that time the thought of having another baby scared my to death. I finally said that this has happened for a reason and MY ONLY DAUGHTER was born in November 06. She slipped right into the house just like she had been there all along and she is great with the boys. I have been truly blessed with 3 kids and I am loving every minute of it. I guess what I am trying to say is hang in there and remember that you have supprt of your family and friends. Best Wishes to you and your family!!!

Chris said...

Hey girl,

Hang in there. I'm glad you are going to the doc today. I can't imagine being in your situation. I would not have felt "ready" when Lindsay was six months either. I still wonder if we're "READY" now. I've had some of the same issues with number 2. Feeling bad because I'm was not as "excited" as I was the first time. Miserable about being sick and NOW ITCHY. I wanted to "experience" pregnancy again so badly and have another baby but now that this pregnancy has not been the BREEZE the first one was I've been moody about it. It's hormonal too. You're busier with the second pregnancy too. YOU especially do have a LOT on your plate right now. It will all fall into place. I LOVE what Angela from party of five said. How her daughter just slipped right in like she's always been there. Oh and you're doing a GREAT JOB with Tatum. If you didn't have all those doubts and care about all those things with her you wouldn't be a MOM! I don't think we ever feel like we're 100% the best mom's ever. Trust me, when she's older she probably won't make you feel that way either. Tatum is going to be a great big sister and you have an awesome, sweetheart of a hubby. It will all be OK!
You said you were going to call me cell won't ring in my office as I'm in the basement area of the hospital. I'll email you my work phone number....if not just catch me on the cell after 3:30 and let me know how you're doing!!

Lisa Dunham said...

Please know that I am here for you. I have not experienced pregnency but I do experience depression every day of my life! Even with meds I have to make a consciencous desicion everyday to be happy and alot of days that is hard. I tend to use the AA motto: "Fake until you make it!"
It sucks!!! But everyone is right, don't beat yourself up about it. (Easier said than done, I know!)
I love ya girl!!!!
I've known you for a long time and I am blessed you are in my life. I was just talking about you the other to a friend of mine who has children. I was bragging on you on how you keep it real and tell the truth about motherhood. I admire that! People who pretend everything is okay are cowards for not facing the reality. You are couragous!!! You, Kim, are amazing!!!!

Christina said...

Depression during pregnancy is common and totally normal and not any indication of how you'll handle two kids. Those hormones can really screw with your mind.

I promise it will all be OK. I was terrified of how I was going to deal with two kids. But it all worked out. Neither will get as much attention as you have been able to give to just Tatum, but they will adjust and they'll have each other to entertain as well.

Tatum is happy and healthy, right? Her needs are being met, and I'm sure you're giving her some of her wants, too. As long as those things are covered, you're doing a great job of being a mom. And you'll do the same with baby #2 also.

kimmyk said...

aww i'm sorry to hear you're down.
you are blessed you have a great support group and your life right now is overwhelming with a new house and still having a baby ya know? just take it one day at a time....that's all you can do.

hugs girlie.

Stephanie823 said...

I am sorry I am just now seeing this post! I feel horrible! I can't pretend to know how you are feeling - I know I would be a wreck. And in thirty years when I decide to have another child (LOL!) I will probably have all of the same stuff you are - Am I ready? Will Stella know she's loved? How can I deal with a 2nd one? It's SO normal. And it's normal not to be as excited the 2nd time. Why do you think so many 2nd, 3rd, 4th children have NO pictures and the 1st ones have SCRAPBOOKS full. :) (Hello, I will be SO guilty of that...) It's just DIFFERENT the first time. And you had the added shock of it happening unplanned and so soon... OF COURSE it has thrown you for a loop. I think you are doing FABULOUS! With everything going on, you are ROCKING it! You are an awesome Mom. Tatum is THRIVING. And your 2nd child will have an amazing family and an awesome big sister. Think of it this way - atleast you are getting the multiple kid thing out of the way quickly! LOL. You might be out of diapers completely when I am starting it up again. I'll be jealous of YOU!

Boom said...

I could totally identify with you here!! I felt this way when I was pregnant some days. And I even feel this way while I'm not pregnant!

Sometimes it can all get SO OVERWHELMING.

Take a deep breath...and hang in there!!